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Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Open Close Open

Sometimes the very thing that opens you up completely closes you back up . . . and then starts to open you back up again.

I recently posted about how I met the most amazing man I have ever met in my life. How he restored my faith in men and opened me back up to the idea of dating after three prior horrific dating experiences. This man took my standards to an even higher level, a level that I'm not sure anyone else will ever meet or exceed.

I should probably say that this guy broke my heart as well. Not intentionally, but unintentionally, if that makes it any better. I cried, then dealt with the situation as maturely as humanly possible. We are still friends and plan to meet up next week for lunch or coffee.

So what had originally opened me totally closed me off. Shit happens, people break your heart and let you down. Is that really an excuse to close yourself off? I think not . . . but I didn't realize it until I had dinner with a good friend last night.

We were sitting there catching up and I was talking about how I doubt I'd ever get married. My good friend is one of the sweetest people in the world. He just says to me, "Amy, you're gonna find someone, trust me."

I started to tell him about Nate and how I didn't think that there was anyone in the world as good as him and that my standards were almost at an unattainable high. He continued to say that there was someone out there for me. Someone that would treat me better. That it may not seem like it now, but there will be someone, and it will happen when I least expect it.

Well, that's what happened with Nate. He came into my life at a time when I wasn't wanting to date anyone or let anyone new in. When I least expected it.

Not that I'm expecting it now. Let's be honest, I am completely happy and content being single. I'm pretty much just too selfish and career oriented to think about another human being in my life. That sounds totally terrible. What I mean is that I am too busy and don't really want to think about having all the responsibility that comes with being in a relationship. Yeah, that sounds a little less bitchy.

So, it was a bit ironic that even though Nate had opened me up to the idea that nice guys still existed, and then he closed me off to that idea, for some reason, it all just got opened back up again. He ultimately did the opposite of what he originally did. But then I realized that it was just stupid for me to close myself back off again. Even if I don't want a relationship, how many amazing people am I missing out on because I'm too closed off to give them a chance. A chance to tell me their story, a chance to create a life that is shared, even if it's a friendship.

Honestly,  I was just scared to let myself fall for someone again like I did Nate. I usually don't fall for someone very easily, but with him, I did. And I am scared that I'll never meet anyone as chivalrous as he is. But closing off doesn't help that fear, it actually makes it worse.

So why not just open up and see what flows in and out of my heart?

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