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Monday, October 10, 2011

Just. Let. Go. and Be. Free.


Sometimes all you need is one.

And sometimes that one person you need doesn’t need or even want you back.

Sometimes that one person you think you need is exactly what you don’t need at all.

So I’ve blogged a lot about my most recent heartbreak. It was tragic and painful. My heart getting broken into a million little pieces and having to glue them back together is something that, looking back, was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.  To turn that fear and pain into grace and compassion was one of the most rewarding things I have ever done for myself . . . and for him.

Yes, I have blogged about it being my time to let go. My time to free myself. But just because you say that you’re letting go because it’s time, that doesn’t mean that it happen right then. Letting go is process and something you have to do over and over, sometimes moment after moment. Then one day, you get it. You realize that it’s finally time to just let go. To forgive but never forget the lessons you learned.

So I recently found out that the girl who said she would never like (Guy) does actually like him. I didn’t find out in a very respectable way, actually, I was just straight pissed. This girl had become one of my close friends over the summer and I had always told her to just tell me if she ever fell for him. Well she did. And just didn’t tell me. I had to ask to find out. And when I did, there was a serious lack of compassion on her part. There was no “I know this must be hard for you”, “I’m really sorry for doing this to you”, etc, it was just, “Thanks! I knew you’d understand.” And the truth is, I did understand. Of course I understood why she liked him. He is a very likeable guy, after all, I did fall in love with him. And I am still in love with him, or so I thought. It hurt like hell. This hurt worse than telling him I loved him and not hearing it back. I felt betrayed. I felt lost. But her lack of compassion was the catalyst to really letting go. To moving forward . . .

After giving myself two days of being pissed and upset and just sheer madness of emotions, I decided that it was time to just move on. It was time. I just know that I began to stop feeling bad for myself and really living. Really living the life I love and doing the things that I love and being around the people that I love. And yes, that includes being around him.

At some point, I knew that I needed to confront him about everything that had happened. And it was difficult to find the words to say. And I didn’t know when to say it. But I know when I decided it needed to be said.

We had just got done stunting together and we ended up walking back to our cars together. This was the first time we had ever really been alone since I had found out that (Girl) liked him. It was awkward. We had that awkward silence then I just began babbling about stunting. It was on that drive home that the words came into form. And here’s what I came up with:
“You and (Girl) . . . I'm really happy for you. I know that she is everything that you've ever wanted. That being said, it doesn't mean that it didn't hurt like hell when I found out or the way in which I found out was respectful, because it wasn't. And it definitely doesn't mean that what you did to me was ok. But I am truly happy for you. And I'm glad that we can be mature enough about it all and still be friends. When you care about someone as your friend, no matter what, you always want the best for them. You want them to be happy and I know that (Girl) is exactly what makes you happy.”

These words needed to be said. And I thought it was only respectable to do so face to face. But after like a week of not seeing him, I caught him online on Facebook and just decided to start a chat. And I just let it all out. Honest truth just spewing out of my fingertips into the cyber Internet to his computer to be read by his eyes and interpreted.

Does it still hurt when I see photos on them pop up on my newsfeed on Facebook? Yes. But the difference is that I know he is happy and I am happy for him . . . and happy for me. Happy that every time I feel hurt, I know it’s because I care and I know that I can always turn my pain into compassion, forgiveness, and grace.

I believe that everyone comes into your life to teach you something. (Guy A) coming into my life taught me about self-worth. To value yourself above all else. That no one should ever feel like a replacement or second-best. To respect and love yourself no matter what anyone says and no matter how someone feels about you. It is the idea that you should never change yourself even if someone has a problem with it.

It feels so good to finally let go. To be where I am at right now. Happy for him. It may not have been easy getting here, but now that I am here, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Life is hard sometimes. It’s rigid and it’s raw and it will bring you to your knees. The question really becomes: Can you dig so deep inside your own heart to find that place of forgiveness and compassion to turn your fear and heartbreak into grace? Let me tell you, it takes a hell of a lot of strength and courage to be able to be happy for someone who once shattered your heart to smithereens. But “holding grudges over love is ancient artifacts” and it feels so good to JUST LET GO and BE FREE! 

Teaching 300+ People at VS PINK Event

I was honored to be able to teach this class last Tuesday. Going through UMove, I was the first to respond to an e-mail by my supervisor. In the original e-mail, it was just stated that it would be a big class, but I had no idea how big until I met with the coordinators of the event. 

Let's just say that this was going to be the biggest class I will probably ever teach in my life. I was told to expect anywhere between 200-300 people. HOLY F*CKING SHIT!!! I have never ever taught more than 50 people at once. 

So I was excited about being able to teach the event . . . but I was also super nervous and anxious. I had to use a headset for crying out loud. Do you know how I sound on those things? Like a squeaky chipmunk! As the even drew nearer, I became more and more anxious. But I decided to be productive with my anxiety by preparing to my best ability. Making a playlist, a flow, changing the playlist, editing the flow, choosing the right quotes, the right theme. And I will just say that I changed everything at least four times if not more. I stopped counting after four. 

So the day of the event comes around. I can't even concentrate on anything else. I show up to see the beautiful ballroom all decorated for the event. It looked so cute with all the Victoria's Secret PINK stuff around. And all the FREE GOODIES! It's like I just stepped into Victoria's Secret heaven. ;-) 

Then the people started coming in, and I got more and more nervous. I began to think about what would happen if I choked. And then I remembered the advice I received from one of my teachers: just be yourself. Then I remembered what I do before every exam (I have horrible test anxiety). I take ten deep breaths and quiet my mind before I begin.

So that is exactly what I did. I breathed. Quieted my mind. And began. 

This is an experience I will never forget. So much energy and so many people all just moving and breathing together. And it was fun. I was so nervous that I decided to start the class with a little bit of laughter. I told them about the stories I have recently read. About how people have been reporting that they were having spontaneous orgasms while practicing yoga. Man, talk about an ice breaker. The ENTIRE room was laughing and some of them were looking up from their down dogs like, "Who the hell is this crazy woman teaching me yoga?!" It was great.

From there, it was just like any other class, except it was a little difficult to move around and much larger. I had two very wonderful assistants and was really grateful for having the headset. It allowed me to talk at my normal voice the whole time without having to scream and strain my voice. I had a girl come up to me after class and tell me that she could listen to me talk all day long because I have such a soothing voice. I laughed at this and said thank you. I have never had anyone tell me that one before! 

I had lots of students come up and ask where I teach and it was really awesome. I felt like yoga at UM has been brought to a new level and I hope that I raised awareness to the many ways students can incorporate yoga into their lives. 

I couldn't have asked to teach a better class. Did I make a few mistakes, certainly. Did I let my anxiety get the best of me? Absolutely not. Why? Because I know how to BREATHE! 

This was one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had and I certainly hope to have more like this. Teaching this class helped to affirm that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I continue to fuel my passion and follow my heart. 

<3 MAIZE, BLUE, and PINK forever. 


My two beautiful assistants and I.



Free goodies!!!

Child's Pose