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Monday, October 10, 2011

Just. Let. Go. and Be. Free.


Sometimes all you need is one.

And sometimes that one person you need doesn’t need or even want you back.

Sometimes that one person you think you need is exactly what you don’t need at all.

So I’ve blogged a lot about my most recent heartbreak. It was tragic and painful. My heart getting broken into a million little pieces and having to glue them back together is something that, looking back, was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.  To turn that fear and pain into grace and compassion was one of the most rewarding things I have ever done for myself . . . and for him.

Yes, I have blogged about it being my time to let go. My time to free myself. But just because you say that you’re letting go because it’s time, that doesn’t mean that it happen right then. Letting go is process and something you have to do over and over, sometimes moment after moment. Then one day, you get it. You realize that it’s finally time to just let go. To forgive but never forget the lessons you learned.

So I recently found out that the girl who said she would never like (Guy) does actually like him. I didn’t find out in a very respectable way, actually, I was just straight pissed. This girl had become one of my close friends over the summer and I had always told her to just tell me if she ever fell for him. Well she did. And just didn’t tell me. I had to ask to find out. And when I did, there was a serious lack of compassion on her part. There was no “I know this must be hard for you”, “I’m really sorry for doing this to you”, etc, it was just, “Thanks! I knew you’d understand.” And the truth is, I did understand. Of course I understood why she liked him. He is a very likeable guy, after all, I did fall in love with him. And I am still in love with him, or so I thought. It hurt like hell. This hurt worse than telling him I loved him and not hearing it back. I felt betrayed. I felt lost. But her lack of compassion was the catalyst to really letting go. To moving forward . . .

After giving myself two days of being pissed and upset and just sheer madness of emotions, I decided that it was time to just move on. It was time. I just know that I began to stop feeling bad for myself and really living. Really living the life I love and doing the things that I love and being around the people that I love. And yes, that includes being around him.

At some point, I knew that I needed to confront him about everything that had happened. And it was difficult to find the words to say. And I didn’t know when to say it. But I know when I decided it needed to be said.

We had just got done stunting together and we ended up walking back to our cars together. This was the first time we had ever really been alone since I had found out that (Girl) liked him. It was awkward. We had that awkward silence then I just began babbling about stunting. It was on that drive home that the words came into form. And here’s what I came up with:
“You and (Girl) . . . I'm really happy for you. I know that she is everything that you've ever wanted. That being said, it doesn't mean that it didn't hurt like hell when I found out or the way in which I found out was respectful, because it wasn't. And it definitely doesn't mean that what you did to me was ok. But I am truly happy for you. And I'm glad that we can be mature enough about it all and still be friends. When you care about someone as your friend, no matter what, you always want the best for them. You want them to be happy and I know that (Girl) is exactly what makes you happy.”

These words needed to be said. And I thought it was only respectable to do so face to face. But after like a week of not seeing him, I caught him online on Facebook and just decided to start a chat. And I just let it all out. Honest truth just spewing out of my fingertips into the cyber Internet to his computer to be read by his eyes and interpreted.

Does it still hurt when I see photos on them pop up on my newsfeed on Facebook? Yes. But the difference is that I know he is happy and I am happy for him . . . and happy for me. Happy that every time I feel hurt, I know it’s because I care and I know that I can always turn my pain into compassion, forgiveness, and grace.

I believe that everyone comes into your life to teach you something. (Guy A) coming into my life taught me about self-worth. To value yourself above all else. That no one should ever feel like a replacement or second-best. To respect and love yourself no matter what anyone says and no matter how someone feels about you. It is the idea that you should never change yourself even if someone has a problem with it.

It feels so good to finally let go. To be where I am at right now. Happy for him. It may not have been easy getting here, but now that I am here, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Life is hard sometimes. It’s rigid and it’s raw and it will bring you to your knees. The question really becomes: Can you dig so deep inside your own heart to find that place of forgiveness and compassion to turn your fear and heartbreak into grace? Let me tell you, it takes a hell of a lot of strength and courage to be able to be happy for someone who once shattered your heart to smithereens. But “holding grudges over love is ancient artifacts” and it feels so good to JUST LET GO and BE FREE! 

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