Taking a Chance, Time for a Change

When my best friend first told me he was interviewing at the University of Hawaii, I half-jokingly said that if he moves to Hawaii, I was going with him. I never expected it to come true, not him not getting the job, but me actually going with him. 


Well, now it's real. He got the job and I'm in the process of securing my own job in Hawaii. This is a BIG move, a BIG change, and I'm taking one hell of a chance. 


I have lived in Michigan all my life and haven't really known any place other than Monroe or Ann Arbor to call my home. Looking back on everything, it's going to be very different out there, but maybe different is exactly what I need.


I began to second guess my decision a few days ago. Should I go? What am I leaving behind? I am leaving behind great jobs, working at Center for Yoga and UMove. I'm leaving behind a great yoga community and great people to work for. And if I chose to stay, I would have a great life here. I already do. I LOVE all my students dearly. I have big things happening if I choose to stay. But the most important thing I'm leaving is comfort.


My yoga teacher always tells me that I need to step out of my comfort zone at least once a day. I'm not sure if I actually do it once a day, but I'm going to take a giant leap out of my comfort zone. Moving to Hawaii is an opportunity for growth, both professionally and personally. And I can't imagine moving out there with anyone else. 


I am going to miss everything here so much. My family and friends, my students, Center for Yoga, Michigan football games, the snow, the list could go on. But I have to take this opportunity because if I stay, I fear that I'll get stuck here forever, and I refuse to let that happen.


So here's to taking a huge leap of faith, stepping out of my comfort zone, and taking an opportunity for growth. All I can say is, YOU ALL BETTER COME VISIT ME! :-D


I love you all and will miss you all so much! FOREVER AND ALWAYS, GO BLUE!

Super intense. Super vulnerable. Super awkward. Totally Necessary.

So I didn't realize that anyone actually ever read my blogs until a friend of mine brought it up last night. To those of you who read this, I hope you find all the awkwardness, vulnerability, and intensity as in inspiration. Maybe to share your story, open your heart, take a chance . . .


After talking to his friend, which may have been one of the most awkward conversations ever, I began to question why I even started a blog. Here's what I came up with:


Last April, I came across this Facebook event called "Free Love Day". A man, Justin Murray, started this event which thousands of people chose to attend. He said that he wanted to start this event as a way to increase awareness about depression and suicide. His high school crush was this beautiful, popular girl who seemed to have everything and then one day took her own life because she was struggling with depression. He asked everyone to put a heart on their wrist and observe a lifestyle of love and acceptance. To open up and share their story because everyone has one. Sharing their life so that no one ever has to feel alone. 


Then I met Brandon Doman, the creator of the passion-driven "The Stranger's Project". Brandon travels all around collecting people's stories. Stories of love, hope, depression, dreams, disappointments, the list really goes on. When speaking to him, I asked him what made him want to quit his job and run with his passion. His response: "I can't imagine not doing it." Brandon is the classic ideal of following your heart and allowing your passion to create something wonderful. Yeah, people are curious and sometimes apprehensive when passing by his table at a local coffee shop. But there's something about sharing your story, whether it's a happy story or something you're struggling with. There is something intimate about anonymity, and there's something comforting about just writing down your story. 


So this is why I write this blog. This is me putting my story out there. Maybe you or someone in the world finds comfort in my story. Maybe I find comfort in yours. Maybe you find it entertaining. But this is me telling my story so that no one feels alone. Allowing myself to be vulnerable, awkward, intense. Maybe this is my way of letting go. Either way, open your heart to share your story, be vulnerable, maybe a little bit crazy at times, so that no one ever feels alone. No one should ever feel so bad that they want to take their own life. Be an inspiration. Set an example of love, kindness, and acceptance. Share YOUR story, it's unique and it belongs to you!

This Is My Story

I’ve been that girl. The girl that falls for the first guy who ever gives her any attention. The girl that loses her virginity on some stupid whim. The naive girl who falls in love over and over again just to get her heart broken time and time again.

You know that girl who lets everyone walk all over her? Yep, that’s me too. But at some point in my life, I decided enough was enough. That it was time to start living my own life and believing that I was worth it all. However, I didn’t learn that I had had enough until my heart got shattered into a million little pieces.

Being the naive and hopeless romantic that I am, I fell in love with someone I never intended to. I lost a job I loved because of him and was willing to give it all up for him. I turned into what I consider the worst version of myself, dropping all my responsibilities to spend any time I could with him. The catch: When I finally mustered up the courage to tell him I loved him, he told me he was in love with someone else. I thought my heart would never be the same, I had been in love before, but not as deeply as I was with him. My heart was on the floor and it had been stomped into a million little pieces. 

I couldn’t even begin to fathom how I was going to put the pieces together. And then it just happened. I just decided to let it all go. Because I realized that sometimes the one person you think you need is exactly the one person you don’t need at all. 

I learned that even though my heart was broken, I could still love more and bigger than I could ever imagine. To feel that bad, to feel that heartache, means that I got to love the big. To go that deep means to have loved that richly. 

Then I met someone new, and he was unlike anyone I have ever met before. He swept me off my feet and I thought this was the one. He was amazing in every single way; determined, strong, handsome. Then, in one night, it was all away. He got blackout drunk and treated me the worst I have ever been treated in my life. Calling me a slut, whore, cunt, you name it and slamming me up against a cement wall to just name a few of things that occurred that night. So in one drunken night of stupidity, everything that had been built up was immediately torn down. 

That night was the catalyst for something big, something bigger than I could have ever imagined. Now I am moving to Hawaii with my best guy friend. Had it not been for all the events that occurred before this, my journey would not be the same. Because yes, life can and surely will break my heart at times, but why not let it also break my heart open. Open to new possibilities, open to the idea of loving despite the heartbreak. I’ll take my chances and just live my life. 

“If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing the things you love.” -Holstee Manifesto

Just. Let. Go. and Be. Free.

Sometimes all you need is one.

And sometimes that one person you need doesn’t need or even want you back.

Sometimes that one person you think you need is exactly what you don’t need at all.

So I’ve blogged a lot about my most recent heartbreak. It was tragic and painful. My heart getting broken into a million little pieces and having to glue them back together is something that, looking back, was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.  To turn that fear and pain into grace and compassion was one of the most rewarding things I have ever done for myself . . . and for him.

Yes, I have blogged about it being my time to let go. My time to free myself. But just because you say that you’re letting go because it’s time, that doesn’t mean that it happen right then. Letting go is process and something you have to do over and over, sometimes moment after moment. Then one day, you get it. You realize that it’s finally time to just let go. To forgive but never forget the lessons you learned.

So I recently found out that the girl who said she would never like (Guy) does actually like him. I didn’t find out in a very respectable way, actually, I was just straight pissed. This girl had become one of my close friends over the summer and I had always told her to just tell me if she ever fell for him. Well she did. And just didn’t tell me. I had to ask to find out. And when I did, there was a serious lack of compassion on her part. There was no “I know this must be hard for you”, “I’m really sorry for doing this to you”, etc, it was just, “Thanks! I knew you’d understand.” And the truth is, I did understand. Of course I understood why she liked him. He is a very likeable guy, after all, I did fall in love with him. And I am still in love with him, or so I thought. It hurt like hell. This hurt worse than telling him I loved him and not hearing it back. I felt betrayed. I felt lost. But her lack of compassion was the catalyst to really letting go. To moving forward . . .

After giving myself two days of being pissed and upset and just sheer madness of emotions, I decided that it was time to just move on. It was time. I just know that I began to stop feeling bad for myself and really living. Really living the life I love and doing the things that I love and being around the people that I love. And yes, that includes being around him.

At some point, I knew that I needed to confront him about everything that had happened. And it was difficult to find the words to say. And I didn’t know when to say it. But I know when I decided it needed to be said.

We had just got done stunting together and we ended up walking back to our cars together. This was the first time we had ever really been alone since I had found out that (Girl) liked him. It was awkward. We had that awkward silence then I just began babbling about stunting. It was on that drive home that the words came into form. And here’s what I came up with:

“You and (Girl) . . . I'm really happy for you. I know that she is everything that you've ever wanted. That being said, it doesn't mean that it didn't hurt like hell when I found out or the way in which I found out was respectful, because it wasn't. And it definitely doesn't mean that what you did to me was ok. But I am truly happy for you. And I'm glad that we can be mature enough about it all and still be friends. When you care about someone as your friend, no matter what, you always want the best for them. You want them to be happy and I know that (Girl) is exactly what makes you happy.”

These words needed to be said. And I thought it was only respectable to do so face to face. But after like a week of not seeing him, I caught him online on Facebook and just decided to start a chat. And I just let it all out. Honest truth just spewing out of my fingertips into the cyber Internet to his computer to be read by his eyes and interpreted.

Does it still hurt when I see photos on them pop up on my newsfeed on Facebook? Yes. But the difference is that I know he is happy and I am happy for him . . . and happy for me. Happy that every time I feel hurt, I know it’s because I care and I know that I can always turn my pain into compassion, forgiveness, and grace.

I believe that everyone comes into your life to teach you something. (Guy A) coming into my life taught me about self-worth. To value yourself above all else. That no one should ever feel like a replacement or second-best. To respect and love yourself no matter what anyone says and no matter how someone feels about you. It is the idea that you should never change yourself even if someone has a problem with it.

It feels so good to finally let go. To be where I am at right now. Happy for him. It may not have been easy getting here, but now that I am here, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Life is hard sometimes. It’s rigid and it’s raw and it will bring you to your knees. The question really becomes: Can you dig so deep inside your own heart to find that place of forgiveness and compassion to turn your fear and heartbreak into grace? Let me tell you, it takes a hell of a lot of strength and courage to be able to be happy for someone who once shattered your heart to smithereens. But “holding grudges over love is ancient artifacts” and it feels so good to JUST LET GO and BE FREE! 

Teaching 300+ People at VS PINK Event

I was honored to be able to teach this class last Tuesday. Going through UMove, I was the first to respond to an e-mail by my supervisor. In the original e-mail, it was just stated that it would be a big class, but I had no idea how big until I met with the coordinators of the event. 

Let's just say that this was going to be the biggest class I will probably ever teach in my life. I was told to expect anywhere between 200-300 people. HOLY F*CKING SHIT!!! I have never ever taught more than 50 people at once. 

So I was excited about being able to teach the event . . . but I was also super nervous and anxious. I had to use a headset for crying out loud. Do you know how I sound on those things? Like a squeaky chipmunk! As the even drew nearer, I became more and more anxious. But I decided to be productive with my anxiety by preparing to my best ability. Making a playlist, a flow, changing the playlist, editing the flow, choosing the right quotes, the right theme. And I will just say that I changed everything at least four times if not more. I stopped counting after four. 

So the day of the event comes around. I can't even concentrate on anything else. I show up to see the beautiful ballroom all decorated for the event. It looked so cute with all the Victoria's Secret PINK stuff around. And all the FREE GOODIES! It's like I just stepped into Victoria's Secret heaven. ;-) 

Then the people started coming in, and I got more and more nervous. I began to think about what would happen if I choked. And then I remembered the advice I received from one of my teachers: just be yourself. Then I remembered what I do before every exam (I have horrible test anxiety). I take ten deep breaths and quiet my mind before I begin.

So that is exactly what I did. I breathed. Quieted my mind. And began. 

This is an experience I will never forget. So much energy and so many people all just moving and breathing together. And it was fun. I was so nervous that I decided to start the class with a little bit of laughter. I told them about the stories I have recently read. About how people have been reporting that they were having spontaneous orgasms while practicing yoga. Man, talk about an ice breaker. The ENTIRE room was laughing and some of them were looking up from their down dogs like, "Who the hell is this crazy woman teaching me yoga?!" It was great.

From there, it was just like any other class, except it was a little difficult to move around and much larger. I had two very wonderful assistants and was really grateful for having the headset. It allowed me to talk at my normal voice the whole time without having to scream and strain my voice. I had a girl come up to me after class and tell me that she could listen to me talk all day long because I have such a soothing voice. I laughed at this and said thank you. I have never had anyone tell me that one before! 

I had lots of students come up and ask where I teach and it was really awesome. I felt like yoga at UM has been brought to a new level and I hope that I raised awareness to the many ways students can incorporate yoga into their lives. 

I couldn't have asked to teach a better class. Did I make a few mistakes, certainly. Did I let my anxiety get the best of me? Absolutely not. Why? Because I know how to BREATHE! 

This was one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had and I certainly hope to have more like this. Teaching this class helped to affirm that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I continue to fuel my passion and follow my heart. 

<3 MAIZE, BLUE, and PINK forever. 

My two beautiful assistants and I.

Free goodies!!!

Child's Pose

Letting Go

Let's face it, we all struggle with letting go. As humans, we resist change. Therefore it is our human nature to resist letting go. 


I personally struggle with this a lot. But I wanted to write this blog to inspire a good friend of mine and you know who you are. :-) I recently spoke with this friend and she seemed to be going through a very similar situation I had. She has a guy in her life that she needs to let go of. 


No one ever said letting go was easy, if it was, I believe that we would not resist it as much as we do. However, letting go is part of life. It is something we all must learn to go. Letting go means change, but change for the better. 


So to my good friend, letting go is a process. Letting go is something that we must practice each and every day, sometimes more than once a day. Letting go is hard and hurts like hell. But if you refuse to lose faith in yourself, letting go will continue to get easier and you will eventually be able to let go.


To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.




Never forget this: When you let someone or something go, you are setting yourself free.


Thinking back on my own experience, here's what I have to offer for you. Go ahead and write an "I love you" or "Fuck you" letter. You may never send it, or maybe you will, but whatever you choose to do with it, it's nice to get it all out there. 


When I was younger, I wrote the story of a me and a guy I was with after we broke up. After I wrote it, I packed it away until I decided it was time. You just know when it's time to pull it back out. When I was ready, I pulled it out and threw it away in the trash. That was me letting go of him. 


In a more recent experience, one of which you know very well (see my Broken Heart blog), I wrote the story down online. I put it all out there so anyone who wants to read it can. I did it as a way of starting to let go. 


After visiting him this summer, I decided that it was really time to let go. I had been slowly letting go, but after visiting him, I knew it was time to really let go. So I wrote a "letting go" letter and sent it to him. 


I never received a response back and that's ok. I know that if he read it, then he knows how I feel. I opened my heart, let myself be incredibly vulnerable and put it all out there. If he chose not to read it, then it's his loss. 


I refuse to stop living my life because someone shattered my heart in a million pieces. If I did, I would be missing out on so many other opportunities. I would be closing my heart to the possibility of meeting the man that I am truly supposed to be with. I am not saying that I deserve better than him, but I am saying that I, at the very least, deserve someone who wants to be with me. Someone who isn't chasing someone else except me. Someone who will treat me like I am more than just an option. 


My wish for you is that you can let go so you can open yourself up to the possibility of better, something you've never even dreamed of because it is so wonderful. I know that letting go hurts like hell and is a process. But I have all the faith in the world that you can do it. And I certainly know that if I can do it, you can too. :-)

My Very First Yoga Class

I had the opportunity to teach my very first yoga class yesterday. Center for Yoga was named Lululemon Athletica's Studio of the Month and they had asked a few of the recent teacher training graduates if they would teach on behalf of CFY. I jumped on the opportunity.

If you know me, you know that I like to plan things and be as organized as possible (as my fellow JKYTT classmates would tell you, I like "systems" :-P). While I had all my flows in my head and a general idea of the playlist, I had not had the chance to sit down and actually write them down and create a playlist. This was Thursday night. I thought I would have the chance in between meetings to do so, but unexpectedly, things ran late and I went from one meeting to the next. I was exhausted by the end of the night so I decided to wake up early and review the flows and create my playlist.

I wake up on my own, no alarm. It looks awfully bright outside to be earlier than 7:30am, which is what I set my alarm for. I frantically grab my phone and a wave of relief comes over me. It's 7:22am. So I get up and begin to get ready for my day. I ended having a doctor's appointment that morning so I go ahead and get to that. I get out around 8:30am. Later than I expected and I still haven't made a playlist for my 10am class or reviewed the flows. AND I still have to drive back up to Ann Arbor. 

I jump in my car and speed to Ann Arbor. By speed, I really mean that I made a usually 40-minute drive in 20 minutes. Breakfast? No time for breakfast! I throw my things down in my apartment, whip my computer out, and start making my playlist. I write down the flows on a piece of paper (writing things out helps me remember them). I hook my iPhone up to my laptop and while it's syncing, I run through the flows a few times. I begin to get things together for my class, except I can't find my keys to unlock my bedroom that has almost everything I need for my class. It's 9:25am at this point. I wanted to be at Lululemon at 9:30am. You'd think I would only need my iPhone, but I wanted to bring my yoga bag with all of it's yoga fixings in it. I'm frantically searching for my keys. Stop and breathe. That's what I should have done. I eventually find my keys sitting on a countertop and get my things from my room. I grab a banana and run out the door. 

I arrive in the parking garage near Lululemon. It's 9:37am. A great song is playing in my car. So I turned up the volume, closed my eyes, sat in my car, and just breathed. 

I walk to Lululemon feeling much more relaxed and grounded. I get to Lululemon and begin setting everything up. Shit! I don't have a theme! I didn't make a theme! What am I going to say? Great, my rather last minute planning didn't work out so well. 

Students begin showing up and setting up their mats. What am I going to say? Ok, just stop and breathe. Wait, that's it! That's my theme! Why such a rush? Why not stop, slow down, and breathe? And BAM! There's was my theme.

I was very nervous, like so nervous I thought I was going to cry. Being the great best friend that she is, Nina attended my class and it made me feel much more at ease. :-) Class seemed to go very smoothly and I wasn't at a lack for words. Sure, I made a few mistakes, but who doesn't? 

After closing the class and thanking everyone for coming, I asked for some feedback, both good and constructive. I had a few students come up and ask me when and where I taught classes. I had others tell me that it was the best yoga class I've been to. I had a young man tell me that my yoga class was "clutch." I had a few girls tell me that they've never sweat that much before and it was a great class.

All the comments made me feel really great, but I wasn't getting any constructive feedback. Perhaps they were afraid of hurting my feelings and that was nice of them. I decided to sit down and give myself some constructive feedback from my point of view. I need to slow down just a little bit, and stop walking around so much. I came up with a list of other things, but I won't bore you to death. 

Looking back on the class, it was a great experience, and I am honored to be one of the teachers representing Center for Yoga at Lululemon. But I couldn't have done it without each and every one of my fellow JKYTT classmates as well as those who have helped me along the way. I said this when during our graduation ceremony and I will say it again: Each and every one of you is an inspiration to me and I have learned so much from all of you. Each and every one of you has a light of greatness that I hope you share with others like you have shared it with me. Each and every one of you has helped me grow not only into a yoga teacher, but also a person. I cannot possibly thank all of you enough. Words cannot express the place each and every one of you hold in my heart. With all my heart, thank you!